Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?
There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.
“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?” “Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?” “He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”
Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.
Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.
Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.
These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.
Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?
What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?
The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.
This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:
No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.
Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.
Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.
(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)
Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.
Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.
Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.
Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.
The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.
But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.
The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.
Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.
The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild response, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.
And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.
There’s nothing wrong with seeking a romantic relationship and wanting to build a partnership with someone who makes your life better. However, it’s a fact of life that even the most independent and strong-minded of us can fall into the trap of looking to a relationship to fulfill all of our personal needs.
Sure, you can (and should!) get a lot from your significant other. However, while you can get a lot of value from a relationship, there are also a few things you should always look to cultivate within and for yourself. Remember this and you’ll not only have the security of being able to rely on yourself should you lose your partner, but you’ll become more attractive in the first place! No-one likes clingy, needy people with no sense of self. It’s far better to be looking to continually improve yourself and present this best possible version of you within your relationship.
Read on to find out what you shouldn’t expect to gain from your relationship.
The clue is in the title! Hopefully, your partner will respect and love you for who you are. However, there is no substitute for authentic self-respect. This has to come from within, and can be developed by honoring your true nature and pursuing your own goals and interests.
2. Financial stability
If you depend on someone else for your financial well-being, this takes away your personal power. Of course there may be certain points in time—if you stay at home while raising a child, for example—when your partner may be the primary breadwinner, but as a rule, you should always try to maintain your own income stream. It gives you additional power to walk away from an unsatisfying relationship and also keeps the power balance on an even keel.
You should pick a partner who believes in you, but it’s a mistake to rely on this person to stand in as a substitute for your own self-belief. Even the most loving, available partner cannot be counted on to provide you with emotional and psychological support 24/7—they have a life too!
If your partner comes complete with a great group of friends, see this as a bonus! It can be wonderful to meet other people when you start dating a new significant other. However, do not neglect your own social circle. Your friends are your friends for a good reason. You have a shared history with them, and you provide one another with mutual support. Do not overlook them in favor of the excitement that comes with a new relationship.
5. Unconditional acceptance
One of the best things about being in a solid relationship is the feeling that you can be yourself around the other person, and that they accept you despite your flaws. However, this doesn’t mean that you can expect them to agree with your every opinion and never tell you when you’re out of line. In fact, it’s a bad sign if they do, because it implies they either aren’t paying enough attention or are so insecure that they don’t dare disagree and risk losing you!
6. A substitute parent
If you had a poor relationship with one or both of your parents, make sure that you don’t unconsciously start looking for a partner to serve as substitute. Expecting your partner to provide you with unconditional love, acceptance and instructions for how to live your life is neither realistic nor healthy. You need to accept that if you didn’t receive all this from a parent whilst you were a child, the moment has passed and you cannot hope to find it in an adult partner.
So remember, while it’s fine and healthy to seek romantic companionship or even a “soulmate,” looking for one individual to fulfill your needs is not realistic. Try to maintain a balanced life in which you put time and attention not only into your relationships with others, but into your relationship with yourself.
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. ~ Marcus Aurelius
Big changes are always afoot in life. And when change is hard, remember that even when things don’t seem to be getting any easier you are getting stronger.
We all have those days. The ones where everything is hard, where it seems as though we’re doing everything we should be doing and still nothing works. The ones where it’s easier just to hide under the covers.
If this is you, and you haven’t made it to where you wanted to, and progress seems slow or non-existent, remember when things are at their darkest, there’s only one thing to be done, look for the light. Get out there and don’t let anything stop you from shining.
Huge changes aren’t easy and comfortable and they’re not always pretty. In fact it’s a chaotic, challenging, scary process.
But it’s never too late to start again. If you’re not happy with yesterday there’s nothing stopping you from doing something different today. If you’re not living a life you can be proud of…change it.
It’s never too late to be the one you’d love to be. The one you’re capable of being.
Always look at where you’ve been and how far you’ve come, what you have rather than what you’ve lost, who you are compared with who you were. Because it’s not the struggle or the fear or the difficulties that count…it’s the attitude you have that determines how well everything turns out.
Here’s a few reminders to help get control of your life and cultivate attitudes that spark extraordinary results.
Don’t seek to find someone to love you. Seek someone worthy of your love. Today, love yourself enough to expect the best in every relationship. This is the time to shape your relationships, to feel and believe you are the most blessed person in the whole world.
Set your standards high. Love, value, and respect yourself. Lose the mindset that allowed you to waste your precious life with the wrong person. Remember that your attitude together with your choices are making your life. You deserve to be with someone who is kind, nurturing and loving. Don’t settle for anything less.
The heart of all great love stories is in their spirit based consciousness, which is a mindset that doesn’t need to hold on to past hurts, wounds, or hurt feelings but always moves forward toward growth and greater emotional connection. Keep in mind that you deserve the best and keep moving toward it.
The caretaker of your joy and happiness is you. Stop putting your power into the hands of others. Be joyful, be happy because you choose to. Don’t let anyone control the way you see yourself, or the attitude you have towards you or your life.
You don’t have to live within the confines of how others see you. It’s your job to live your life, not theirs.
Become passionate about your desires, your vision for your future. The most important relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. Decide to be the kind of self you’re happy to live with…always.
Commit yourself to growing, changing, living life with a zest that is all yours. Don’t be afraid of looking silly, or being disapproved of. Choose to thrive, choose to be kind, compassionate, generous of spirit and you’ll not only have a better life yourself, but you’ll be making our world a better place.
Create your own place in this world, that is perfectly you.
Have you noticed that anyone who believes themselves to be lacking financially needs no help from anyone to experience it?
A lack of money is simply the result of all the beliefs you have about money and finances.
If you struggle to pay bills, and live from paycheck to paycheck it’s pretty clear your financial thermostat is set to low.
Don’t be stuck in scarcity. Break out. Get yourself an abundant money mentality with a shift in attitude, and change your money thermostat for good.
Create an automatic mantra. I send success, happiness and well being out with every dollar. Try it, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
Get your money game together. Play cashflow – it’ll help change your view of money, spending and investing…plus it’s fun. I’m making it easy, I’ve added the link…now there’s nothing to stop you!
Try YNAB for a quick change in perspective and attitude. YNAB stands for ‘You need a budget’…you’ll be amazed at what can happen in only one month.
But remember, your most powerful asset is your mind, you can train it to view wealth as a good thing. You can be both happy and rich.
Focus on seeing money as energy. Playing cashflow is fun and useful, beginning with YNOB is a wonderful way to manage your current experiences, but they all pale into insignificance compared to the benefit that a rich spirit gives you. It supports you in living a rich life.
It’s time to realize that without you money is useless. You are the one with the power, you are the one who determines how money will be used. Take control of your money thermostat and turn it up a few notches.
Become more conscious of the good money can bring, and you’ll come to realize you’re richer than you think.
An empowered perspective helps you see that the world isn’t always what you think it is.
Your past experiences might have entirely different meanings than the ones you’ve given them. Remember, success depends much more on attitude than your capabilities.
When you act and feel successful and behave as though it were so you’ll discover that soon it becomes so. But first define what successful means to you. Whatever your definition, at the end of the day the greatest success you’ll ever experience is being successful as a human being.
Don’t ever worry what others are doing, you’re not competing with them, you’re being better than you were yesterday. Free yourself from judgement and comparisons. Seek to follow nature. The most beautiful things in nature aren’t concerned with whether something else is blooming better than they, they just bloom the best they can where they are.
Decide to shine as brightly as possible, there can never be too much light in our world and if you keep your eyes open you’ll find inspiration and motivation in other people’s ideas through articles, books and seminars that can help you put your whole heart into who you are. You’ll do better than most, there’s so little competition for living wholeheartedly.
If you’re stuck in the process, turning your accidental attitudes into intentional ones will help you feel more positive and confident about all the possibilities that lie ahead. Your attitude to the circumstances of life will make your experiences much worse or much better than at first it might have seemed.
Embrace a new attitude to ensure you’ll reach the end result you desire.
Don’t stay stuck. We can all do better.
Are you struggling with the need for an attitude shift? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us. You know we love to hear your perspectives.
Thanks in advance for sharing with compassion and kindness. Your perspective may be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.
Lost souls are people who are spiritually adrift. For whatever reason, these individuals have blocked the intuitive guidance coming from their higher selves. In doing this, they have also cut themselves off from feeling the infinite love of the universe, and this leads to struggle, anger and sadness. As a result, a lost soul’s life is very challenging.
If you are currently working to raise your vibration and follow your highest path, you probably find it difficult to interact with lost souls. These individuals can be some of the most frustrating people to deal with because they radiate lower vibrational energy, and the way that they interact with others can be quite off-putting.
However, if we want to help these people we must react with sympathy, rather than anger and hostility. Lost souls need unconditional love more than the rest of us because they are so starved for it. Although this may be challenging at times, love and acceptance are really the only things we can give to help others who have lost their way.
So, here are some of the frustrating symptoms of a lost soul, and how best for us to react in order to help them:
1. Defensiveness: a lost soul is someone who is operating from their ego, not from their higher self. Because they are largely ego-driven, lost souls will often feel the need to defend their positions and assert that they are always right, and always know best. Even friendly advice that will genuinely help a lost soul is often immediately discarded with a “Yeah, but…” followed by a list of reasons why they believe the advice won’t work for them.
Your best reaction to this defensiveness? Accept it. Do not engage in an argument with a lost soul, even if you feel like your advice is exactly what they need.
Remember, lost souls are blocking their inner guidance, so they will very likely block beneficial advice from wherever it is coming from. The best you can do is lay your ideas on the table, but then back away from the discussion when they push against it.
Surprisingly, when I have done this in the past I have noticed that many such individuals will later tell me “I remember when you told me such-and-such, that was really good advice!” The thing about lost souls is that they do not like to have their egos challenged, so if you do not debate against their rebuttals they are far more likely to listen to your well-intended advice because they didn’t feel threatened by your approach.
2. Closed-mindedness: Many times lost souls will not be interested in accepting different people and different choices.
Again, the higher self is all-loving, and all-accepting. If someone is blocking the unconditional love from their higher self, they will be unable to radiate unconditional love to others. As a result, their “love” will only be given out to certain people who are behaving in a way that their ego approves of.
Because of this, you will often see lost souls manifest themselves into people who are intolerant of other religions, bigoted, racist, homophobic or misogynistic.
Your best reaction? If you feel as if something a lost soul tells you is intolerant or abusive towards others, very kindly tell them that it bothers you when they say things like that and then drop it.
Remember, arguing with a lost soul is always a waste of time. Speak your mind and then move on. If you do not challenge a lost soul’s ego, you will have the best shot at being heard.
3. Repeating the same mistakes, over and over again: It may take any of us a few tries to learn a lesson in life, but with a lost soul the pattern endlessly repeats itself.
You may often see a lost soul hopping from one abusive relationship to another, chronically being broke and out of work or even repeatedly being arrested and incarcerated.
To be clear, none of us is perfect, and we’re all making mistakes in some way. However, a lost soul’s repeated mistakes are very painful and can cause them a lifetime of personal grief.
Your reaction? Realize, yet again, that a lost soul has severed ties with the love of the universe, therefore they do not understand how to make choices based on self-love. A lost soul has forgotten how to care for him or herself.
These individuals are not making their life decisions because they are trying to hurt themselves or anyone else, but rather because they have become blind to the guidance of the universe. In fact, quite often they make poor choices because they are simply trying to distract themselves or numb the pain of the emptiness they feel from being spiritually disconnected.
Please do not judge them, do not chastise them, and do not belittle their struggles. Accept them where they are, and love them anyways.
This doesn’t mean that you should allow them to pull you into their chaotic storms, but do let them know that you care about them and you want the very best for them. Loving them from afar still counts!
It can indeed be very frustrating to deal with a lost soul. The defensiveness, close-mindedness, and continuous self-harm can be very unpleasant to witness and interact with.
That being said, it’s good to remember that we are all on our own paths, and we each have the option of traveling through life in the way that we choose. Although we may have found a higher calling, the lost souls are choosing to experience life in a limited way-and that’s their choice.
Not a one of us would want to be forced to think or believe something against our will, and if we want the freedom of choice for ourselves we must allow the freedom of choice in others, even when we feel their choices are damaging and hurtful. We can speak our truths, but we shouldn’t feel the need to take on the job of changing the thoughts, beliefs and actions of others.
At the end of the day, all we can really do for the lost souls of the world is accept and love them as they are while being as happy, healthy and prosperous as we can be. If we can shine brightly enough, we just might provide enough light to help a lost soul find its way back home.
“No matter what is happening in life or in the world – war, natural disaster, poor health, pain, the death of loved ones – if existence is filled with art, music and literature, life will be fulfilling, a joy.” ~ Karen DeCrow
Success is a science. Once you’ve learned the rules of the game, you no longer need to question what your future will bring. As Abraham Lincoln has famously said—“The best way to predict your future is to create it.”
You are the designer of your destiny.
Your destiny is not based on fate, luck, or outside factors. Rather, as Thomas Monson has said—“Decisions determine destiny.”
It’s all up to you. So here’s how to create a wildly happy and deeply fulfilling life:
1. Take 100% Responsibility For Your Life.
If you are the designer of your destiny, you are ultimately responsible for your future.
No one else is.
Not your boss.
Not the economy.
Not your genetics.
Not your parents or how you were raised.
And that’s the exciting part!
Once you obtain what psychologists call an internal locus of control, you can create whatever life you intend. An internal locus of control means that you perceive yourself, not external factors, as the ultimate controller and operator of your life.
If you take 100% responsibility, you must confess that every aspect of your life right now is on you. You created your present circumstances through your decisions—decisions determine destiny. You have unlimited power to create whatever future you want.
2. Decide What You Want.
In order to create a wildly happy and deeply fulfilling life, you need to determine and decide what you want.
One of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is—Begin with the end in mind. In all things, there are two creations: The mental creation and the physical creation.
Before a house is built, plans are made by architects and designers. It is only after the plans are devised that the physical construction takes place. If you put in the front-end work to generate a quality mental creation, you can ensure it will organically unfold in real life.
3. Write It Down.
Goals and plans in your head don’t work. What if an architect just kept the plans for a house in her head and never drew them out?
A huge mess.
You need to write down in insane detail what it is you want. Darren Hardy, in his book, The Compound Effect, talks about how he wrote 40 pages of detail describing exactly what he wanted in a wife. He wrote down her personality, character, key attributes, attitudes and philosophies about life, tastes, interests, even what kind of family she’d come from, culture, and physical makeup down to the texture of her hair.
If you met his wife, you’d be shocked in almost an eerie suspicion about how precise his wife is to what he wrote down. That’s because he knew what he wanted, in insane detail.
That’s how our lives need to be. It ensures every detail of our life is designed by us.
4. Read It Daily.
If an architect wrote down her plans and never looked at them again, things would get forgotten and lost. She needs to consult her plans every day to ensure she’s getting closer to what she mentally mapped.
You will need to read your goals and mental creation every single day if you want it to actually come about in the detail you desire.
5. Decide Who You Need To Know.
There are endless paths to the same destination. Some will take years or decades, while others may take only a few days.
You must ask yourself as Peter Thiel does—“How can you achieve your 10 year plan in the next 6 months?”
Relationships are the bridge to progress. There are certain people who could reach their hand down the ladder and pull you up. You just need to reach out to these people. Make friends with them. Serve them.
By doing this, you bypass several unnecessary steps that most people take in the name of “paying dues.”
6. Focus On Results—Not Hard Work.
Dan Sullivan, founder of Strategic Coach, explains that there are two economies: The Economy of Hard Work and The Economy of Results.
Some people think hard work is the recipe. Others think about the most efficient way to get a desired result.
Tim Ferriss, in his book, The 4-Hour Body, explains what he calls Minimum Effective Dose (MED), which is simply the smallest dose that will yield a desired result and anything past the MED is wasteful. Water boils at 100°C at standard air pressure—it is not “more boiled” if you add more heat.
What is the fastest way to get your desired outcome?
How could you get where you want to be in 10 years in 6 months?